Geico, gecko, and Gayco

Ah … nothing says part-time employment like cubicles, carpel-tunnel syndrome, and counting the very minutes until you can run like hell to the nearest bar and brainstorm strategies of how not to kill yourself before returning to your fluorescently-lit prison the very next day.

OK so I'm exaggerating! To be honest, I found my first week at Geico to be delightfully tolerable (for those of you who haven't turned on a TV since 1985, Geico is an auto insurance company with a clever advertising campaign). Some highlights/observations of the week:

-Bathroom drama: Yeah OK … they can save you 15% or more on car insurance, but can they install urinals at proper heights to avoid embarrassing splash-watermarks on my pants? Lord! By the time I was done peeing it looked like I had knelt down in a kiddie pool !!! Also, I was quite offended by the automated bathroom deodorizer that took one look at me and immediately sent out an explosion of Lysol – rude!!!

-Message boards: Geico seems to take decent care of its employees, and promotes a true workforce-community atmosphere with events, message boards, and etc. For a minute, I thought that Geico was also supporting personal ads for singles or not-so-singles who were looking for some uninsured fun off the clock. The message on the board read: "nice body, good interior, runs". I was thinking of writing down the number until I realized this was an advert for a car (Bronco or a Mini?), and I was somewhat disappointed.

-The elusive Gecko: Oh yes, friends, it's true. I have received insider information that confirms the Gecko is very, very real and lurks the hallways of the Geico complex on occasion. You have no idea how much the idea of a live, walking, human-sized gecko turns my blood warm ("…so, Mr. Gecko, where else can your tongue stretch?"). And while I'd like to milk this lizard for all it's worth, rumor has it that the gecko only makes rare appearances.

-Gayco: I didn't see them at first, but after a few days of hacking my way through the straight-infested thicket of cheery Geico employees I happened upon the queens of Gayco. The queers can be identified by their plumage (product in hair), markings (A&F or Hollister), and movement (strut your stuff, bitches!). Birdwatching? Only if you give me a peck or two, Woody.

All of this wildlife imagery has me thinking of the expression "more camp than a box of frogs", which is ironically appropriate. So whilst I type away in my snoozy cubicle in the Geico Jungle, perhaps my only distracting thoughts will include a Tarzan swinging through on a mailroom cart, slashing at the overgrowth with a letter-opener, and accidentally catching his loincloth in the paper shredder.