Water into wine ... and beer

Express, April 22, 2008
"Tapping the Keg of Life"
Beer was on tap as a new church held its inaugural service in a Sidney, Ohio, bar. The bar-room church is an offshoot of Sidney United First Methodist Church, whose head pastor says he's been looking for creative ways to reach people. The church's Web site for its new branch advertises "Top regional bands, pizza, wings, rowdy fun and a short message." The Rev. Chris Heckaman's sermon compared staying on the bar's mechanical bull to learning how to get along in life.
Church website- http://www.sidneyfirst.com/Discover/CountryRockChurch/tabid/140/Default.aspx



OH MY GOD ... where do I begin?

A few months ago I wrote a blog about a minister who challenged the married couples of his congregation to have sex every night for 30 days ... and now we are worshipping in a bar. Reverend Heckaman, head of the church sipping the head of his beer, has decided that alcohol consumption is definitely the new direction for Methodists.

Just imagine ... for communion there will be shot glasses filled with Bloody Marys, bar nuts will replace the body of Christ (why not?! he never used his own!), and the choir will take a back seat (or stool) to the whims of drunken karaoke-ers singing "Summer Lovin' ... from Jesus ".

I suppose that regular church protocol would not apply to congregants while worshipping in a bar; it doesn't matter whether you're standing, sitting, or kneeling since the room is spinning anyway. Baptisms will be replaced by the minister gently lowering the person's head back and letting them chug directly from the keg. And the following morning, people won't know if that pain in their head was caused by an atrocious hangover or from the smack they received when filled with the spirit.

One major concern is how to discern drunken bar-speech from those actually speaking in tongues. Put a little tequila in Granny McAllen and suddenly you can't tell the difference between her and an evangelical on speed. Once she starts dancing around and raising her hands in the air ... well, let's just say y'all better move the darts out of the way in case she decides to smite the wicked.

While the bar is hushed in reverence during quiet prayer time, one can't help but be distracted by the sound of someone blowing chunks loudly in the restroom, reminding us all that everything- even communion- should be taken in moderation.

And then the sermon- "Life is like riding a mechanical bull". What, if you continue doing something for only 8 seconds you get a medal? Life is full of bullshit? Life can can make your ass sore? (giggle)

Finally the reverend makes one "last call !!!" for congregants to come to the front to accept forgiveness -- your sins are now washed away, compliments of Smirnoff.

Go in peace. Amen. And call a cab ...