Health Care (sic .... or sick?)

The following is a meddlesome dialogue between myself and the insurance company, taken almost verbatim from a conversation a while back:

**********************

Automated British lady: Thank you for calling United HealthCare. How may I mis-direct your call?


Me: Um ... 'benefits' (with emphasis)


AB lady: You wanted (pause) gastro-bypass surgery. Is that correct?


Me: Grrr ... 'BE-NI-FITS' (loads of emphasis)


AB lady: You wanted (pause) Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time. Is that correct?


Me: Sigh ... 'representative'.


AB lady: Hold your horses, you little bitch. You gotta tell me who you want to speak to and then I'll transfer your sick ass.


(after much negotiating, a live person answers the line)


Live Person: Thank you for calling United HealthCare, how can I waste your time today?


Me: Yes. OK here's the deal. I tried to go to a walk-in clinic yesterday, one that was listed on your website as covered in your network. When I got there they said they wouldn't take my kind of UHC. WTF, UHC?


Live Person: Well, sir, let me explain it to you as if you were 5 years old and have recently suffered a severe trauma to the head. You don't have United HealthCare, you have MDIPA, which is a subsidiary company of UHC. However, since you have MDIPA preferred, you still have access to that specific clinic for urgent care.


Me: Oh. So, I don't have the United HealthCare that's printed on my card here?


Live Person: No, you don't.


Me: And you are a customer service representative for ...


Live Person: United HealthCare.


Me: Then ... shouldn't I speak to someone from MDIPA?


Live Person: No, you dumbass. MDIPA falls under the umbrella of UHC, but not all parts of the umbrella are covered.


Me: OK ... so I can go to this clinic, right?


Live Person: Yes ... but only for urgent care. And you'll need a referral from your primary care physician.


Me: I haven't set up my PCP yet.


Live Person: *tsk tsk* What kind of idiot hasn't set up his PCP yet? UHC and MDIPA are not liable for consumers' ignorance.


Me: So I need a referral from a doctor to see a doctor in urgent care? Doesn't that seem a little redundant and silly considering the fact it's called 'urgent'?


Live Person: Sir, your incompetence is petulant. We are a business, and too busy to mettle with petty matters such as patients' care.


Me: Could you call the clinic and verify that my insurance will cover the visit?


Live Person: Oh, absolutely sir. I could also come to your house and clean it from top to bottom, scrub all the floors with a toothbrush, and, for good measure, personally and affectionately wash your skanky feet. I could, but I'm not going to.


Me: I see. Well, is there anything else you can not do for me today?


Live Person: The list is longer than you can possibly imagine. Have a lovely day and thank you for choosing United HealthCare!


Me: My absolute pleasure. Seems I'll be under the weather for quite a while. Fortunately, though, I have your silly umbrella to keep me dry.