Holy copyright infringement

"When God saw the wicked he knew what to do
Told Noah bring the animals two-by-two
Cuz I'm gonna keep your boat afloat for forty days
Yes the good Lord works in mysterious ways"
-The Color Purple

The story of Noah's ark is a staple of any Christian Sunday school class. And hell, Noah's "leave it all behind" legacy is really quite appealing. Much like a modern-day pleasure cruise with a gigantic zoo on deck, the ark was an escape from the cruel reality of a wicked earth and it brought its passengers to an exotic and unknown destination. Imagine-- soaking up the sun, going for a dip in the rain, and kicking back with your loved ones while wondering how this whole "re-populate the planet" thing is gonna work with your aunts and uncles. Ew.

Well you gotta hand it to Noah- a schizophrenic carpenter with animal-taming instincts like Steve Irwin is hard to find. How did he prevent the crocodiles from eating the soft bunny rabbits, anyways?

But wait- before you start pondering the consequences of intra-familiar procreation, first remember that the story of Noah's ark comes 2,000 years after the same tale had been spun in Mesopotamia by the Sumerians (do what now?).

What the Sumerians failed to realize was that this story had great marketable potential and it should have been copyrighted immediately. There are several major world religions that depict a story similar to Noah's. And watching the animals march two-by-two to the tune of Pomp and Circumstance in Fantasia 2000 is just damn CUTE!

The Bible Archaeology Search and Exploration Institute is a Colorado-based non-profit organization that seeks to "help validate to the world that the Bible is true", because apparently the Creator can't handle that task on his/her own. The BASE Institute has spent a considerable amount of time and money on research to locate the ark ... and defy the principles of science (wood decay, atmospheric/barometric conditions, and a human being's ability to survive it all).

But in an age where Biblical literalism is more important than equal rights and the fight against discrimination, it makes sense that the BASE people are on a quest to validate incest and the gross potential for genetic mutations.

This July I'll be going on the Rosie O'Donnell Family Cruise, and it got me wondering about the similarities between a Rosie and Noah nautical experience. Both cruise liners are trying to get away from a world that is different from them ... that doesn't understand them. Both are seeking peace, and a fresh new beginning for the world.

And both are sailing out into the distant blue sea, with a rainbow banner flying high overhead.