ex-straight

"He's just so beautiful and wonderful. Such a shame that he's straight." -- gay man, a.k.a. Me

"I know, I feel the same when I see a beautiful gay man." -- straight girl, frustrated on Gallaudet's campus (aren't they all?)

I'm reading a book, The Road Less Traveled, which suggests we can all traverse the tough terrain of life much better if we change our "map", i.e. our personal paradigm, of how we perceive the world. According to the author, mental illness results from an inability to change our map when confronted with new ideas and challenges.

The biggest cartographic challenge for me is this: When I meet an attractive man, I automatically assume he's gay (whats more, I'm always pointing north). There is no room on my map legend for a hottie straight boy.

Well, if Exodus International believes that gay people can become "ex-gays", then I firmly support the notion that straight people can become "ex-straights". Exodus derives from the Latin "the road out", however I would be pleased to show the hot-male straightees the "road in" (let's keep this clean, people, honestly let's have some maturity here).

So, I am planning to set up my own organization, Ingress International, which shall utilize various techniques to get these straight boys onto the right path (don't you love all these map references?). Some techniques used in the past to "ex"-gay men have been: aversion therapy (images matched with electric shocks), brain surgery, castration, positive therapy (images plus masturbation), therapy by tedium (show pictures of erotic stimuli until they are bored), and prayer.

So according to these therapeutic guidelines, here is the plan for Ingress International:
Aversion therapy: show straight men pictures of Rosanne and shock them (electricity possibly not required)
Brain surgery: using anesthetics the straights are put under (is that the same as going down?) and sliced open (deep probing may be required)
Castration: yeah ... we might skip this technique
Positive therapy: images plus masturbation, I will volunteer for the photo shoot
Therapy by tedium: do straightees ever tire of Playboy?
Prayer: I'm on my knees already ... please please please drink heavily and feel a little frisky tonight ...

Damn this map of mine.