Freakishly interesting websites

http://www.urbandictionary.com/
Sup, yo? What's good? What it is? I'm straight (whaaaaaaaat?), dude. Peep this while I freak this, yadadamean?


http://locker-room.com/fl/vanilla/?nats=MTAwMDU1ODo1OjE,1,0,0,0
WARNING !!! Do not open unless you are ready for a laugh, but for god's sake keep the children (or your partner) away from the screen. 3 simple steps: choose orifice, choose sensation, choose color (it's like shopping for any regular purchase, only this time you have the chance to give something back)


http://www.nationalpeanutboard.org/
Just in case you aren't sick of nuts from the previous website, here's an opportunity to indulge yourself in yet another salty substance. You can even click on the cartoon peanut "Buddy MeNutty" (why does that sound like something a Catholic priest would say?)


http://www.clubdeibrutti.com/index.html
The World Association of Ugly Persons. Come again? (I can't after those last two sites!) Sigh, leave it up to the Italians to create a club that goes against everything Italians treasure: beauty, beauty, and scantily-clad women in sparkly outfits. This organization fights the tidal wave of ugliness-discrimination (hey talk to Darwin about that one), and despite the bizarre name it actually sounds like a decent group that's fighting for a good cause! Website's in Italian, however :-( But check out their gift shop for boxers ("bello sotto", loosely translated as "handsome down under", and T-shirts designed to seduce).


http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
Shocking, stupefying, and downright unbelievable! (what is, Michael Jackson producing offspring?) Check out some dirty laundry being anonymously aired (not MJ's), and some truly heartbreaking confessions.


http://www.galenfrysinger.com/quaker_steak.htm
This restaurant is named "Quaker Steak and Lube". Um ... um ... *sigh*. Where to begin? Well, at least there is a drive-thru for those who like to get in and get out. And get in and get out. And get in and get out.


http://www.yodcards.com/
Custom printed playing cards, initially founded by a teenager entrepreneur. Slogan? "With us, you're on deck". Sounds like an ace in the hole (ooh, spades are rather sharp).


http://www.daretowearwhite.com/
Dare to wear white? What, before or after Labor Day? Ooooh, this website is for the ladies, or those having difficulty controlling their bowels. Hoping to take the tampon out of taboo ... wait, I got that messed up, sorry - take the taboo out of menstruation, this website hopes to unite women by sharing stories of how they bleed for 3 days but still don't die (stolen from South Park, but I had to say it).


http://www.threadless.com/
Original T-shirt designs, or submit your own! You can even have it imprinted on white, should you be so daring!


http://www.cleanbutt.com/
Quite different from http://www.wipeyourassproperly.com/, this website gives us a unique look into the world of the bidet. Check out the links under "Resources", including: streaming video (um, if I wanted to see that kind of video I'd go to Xtube, thank you very much), and Quality and Safety Assurances (we've all seen what fire hoses can do to solid structures, and I for one am very delicate back there...). Slogan? "A Happy Butt is a Clean Butt". Hmm... can anyone think of another word for "happy"? Ergo, the slogan (hopefully) remains true.

Random thoughts

The following is a collection of random thoughts and questions I accumulated over the summer. I need to find something better to do with my time, like take up bass fishing or learn how to do pottery like in Ghost.



-Does the National Institute for the Blind in Baltimore care about its building's architectural design? Was the architect blind? Are there statues of 3 mice on the front lawn?

-Why is a firetruck considered a hazmat? Is water hazardous? Or are the men inside the truck "dangerous"? *Sweating*, 4-alarm fire, someone put me out with their hose ...

-Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburgers (the donuts are the bread); an unnatural combination of foods that were never intended to be united as one (quite like pickles and ice cream, pineapple and pizza, and Richard Simmons with a woman).

-Digestive disease week, May 19-24. Examples: (1) cyclic vomiting syndrome (woah ... is that like when dogs eat grass, puke it up, and then eat it again?), (2) intestinal obstruction (when this happens repeatedly over the course of a few minutes, the anecdote is keeping your clothes on), and (3) Whipple's disease (what a cute name for a baby!).

-What do they do if you're so overweight that you can't fit through the frame of a metal detector anymore? Is that why they keep a can of Crisco at every checkpoint in Washington DC?

-Why is that tourist woman taking a picture of her husband when all he's doing is drinking from a water fountain?


-Why did they change the name of "Uh-Oh Oreo" cookies back to "Golden Oreos" and then label packages with either chocolate-filled or vanilla-filled? Maybe people thought the Uh-Oh Cookies were actual mistakes of the Nabisco factory?

-When you're in a locked one-person public bathroom and someone knocks on the door, what are you supposed to say? "You're just gonna have to hold it buddy!" or "I hope you brought something to read cuz this might take me a while!". Or perhaps "One word there for ya mister ... Lysol. LY-SOL!"

-Why does Caribou Coffee have pictures of outhouses in their bathroom? Do people put pictures of Porta Potties in their outhouses? Do people put pictures of a hole in the ground in their Porta Potties? What do they put in Porta Potties? (certainly not an air freshener)

-Why is the company that provides fuel to the Greyhound busses named "Gas Boy"? I thought I had already claimed this title ... I smell copyright infringment, and it stinks.

Week 1, Philthydelphia

Ok OK Okay OKAY it's not really that stinky - except for that elusive smell that comes from my one empty kitchen cabinet (and only on Mondays ... weird). When I asked my housemate to explain, the only logical explanation was that we are in Philadelphia, and everything in the City of Brotherly Love smells like ass (you can take a minute to think about that one ...)

I live 2 miles from the Pennsylvania School for the Deaf, so as an eager environmentalist (or just a cheap bastard? well even money is green...) I have decided to shun the 23 bus (the equivalent of the X2 in DC - yeah mmhmm where's my mace for the crazies?) and stroll my fanny down Georgetown Avenue. Being the only white guy within a 3-4 mile radius, I am certain to draw attention. Even the sweet and lovely Gina of the neighborhood diner asked "Um... why are you here?" :-)

But this 4-mile per day hike gives me an opportunity to reflect and ponder the meaning of life, as well as take note of the following:

-Germantown Avenue has the sort of faded-glory look of an old colonial village that regrettably met a 20th century building boom. Unused trolley car rails run the entire length of the street and are cushioned from the curb by cobblestone. Shops that were certainly elegant in their time are now just a shadow of their former grandeur- you have to wonder why so many were abandoned.

-A bow maker shop. I ... lord, I don't even know what to say. The shop oddly reminds me of Ollivander's wand shop in Harry Potter. But I have to wonder- there's enough bow-making business in the world to support a family's bread and butter? How many people in Philadelphia play a string instrument? How do horses feel about losing all their hair, and then being killed for glue?!? Well, it's a sticky subject ...

-A street named Slocum. Give it a minute, it'll come to you eventually.

-A store named "The Candy Shop" but which does not sell candy, only hair care products and extensions (sweet! ... um... never mind).

-A parking lot sign where the view of "Park-" is obscured, leaving only "-king in Rear" (random trivia fact: King Edmund the Second died in 1016 with he was stabbed from behind).

-A lot of Muslim women dressed in full-length black robes with their heads covered. One day I saw one cruising along with a large pair of headphones on and jamming to some tunes (the scarf veils and screens the women's head, the Bose headphones screen out background noise - both aim for purity).

-Eminent death: Philly drivers are obnoxiously inconsiderate, or perhaps everyone in the city has simply gone blind (probably from the smell, no doubt). Almost every morning I have to keep my wits about me to avoid being pummeled to death as I cross the streets (the white man on the crossing sign LIES!)

-A man walking 10 paces ahead of me repeatedly turned around and pointed directly at me without saying a word. He would then swing back around and continue on his merry way. This went on for 10 minutes before he stopped completely and hurriedly ushered me past.

-A package in the window of a shop that reads "Moist and Meaty #1 Burger!", in which directly below the statement there is a picture of a dog.

Haiku mania (575!)

As always, a weekend in the company of Matt and Paul brings about a trip to Remington's to shake and shimmy it a bit, multiple restaurant visits with large portions of dessert, and a modest amount of alcohol. This trip was markedly special because of the latest trend in haiku-making, inspired by Matt's original haiku creation that for some reason involved excrement located inconveniently in the corner. I wish I could explain it further, the laws of sanity complicate things a bit.

Matt's original haiku
I wrote a haiku
And it was started like this:
Poop in the corner


Sleep-deprived haiku
Three hours of sweet sleep
Translating god's words for you
Damn you homo-fries !!!
(Composed in remembrance of a 4:00a.m. trip to get hobo-fries ((a.k.a. disco-fries)), which resulted in a pun by changing the word "hobo" to "homo" due to it's striking similarity in texture and color to male homosexual behavior -- the debauchery that ensued at the 24-hour diner resulted in me only getting an inexcusable 3 hours of beauty rest before standing by the altar of the Spirit at All Soul's to interpret the following morning)


Falcor haiku
Falcor was a dog
Well he was a dragon dog
Maybe just my dog
(for a full understanding of the hilarity that it so caused by a small dog named Falcor, please visit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pC3n-LC3Em4 )


Random carnivorous haiku
Can I have your meat?
Your bacon for a dollar
Take it up the front
(On a previous trip to the 24-hour diner a drunk frat boy ((redundant?)) stopped at our table to inquire about Matt's meat, a.k.a. his bacon, and attempted ((successfully)) to purchase the strips. Later, when presented with the bill, our waiter instructed us to "take it up the front". Naturally, everyone at the table was quite puzzled as we had always taken it up the ... ok you get the idea)


Erectile dysfunction haiku
Penis malfunction
Modern science has the cure:
Mycoxaphlopin
(A clever play on words by Dr. Paul on an imaginary medicine to relieve the most grievous of maladies that infects the male population)


Menstruating haiku
Christie and her box
Birthing hips unfulfilled
It weeps tears of blood
(At the diner a certain eruption occurred due to a waiter's failure to bring a take-away box with the meal, and instead bringing Christie's entire meal in 2 separate take-away boxes without a plate. Christie, while experiencing a flux in hormones and neurotransmitters that induce calmness, was less than pleased)


Here's my haiku blog
I hope you found it funny
If not then f#&@ you!

A Weekend with Dr. Paul

Random quotes/tid-bits from a fun-filled weekend with Dr. Paul last March:

"How would you feel a lump in that?"
Referring to ... oh god only knows what. Either a banana or a melon, but it involved fruit in some capacity!

High school Latin Club scavenger hunt
Certainly a way to carpe diem- Paul used to be a member of the Latin Club, "Latin" being short for "Less Awkward Than Introverted Nerds" (or are they?) that led earnest scavenger hunts throughout the city in search of clues, declensions, and a reason to wake up the following morning.

Aerobics room
While attending a fancy-schmancy reception for the hospital, one couldn't help but notice that the area/room used for dining was marked in one exterior hallway as the aerobics room. This is the one area of the hospital where I imagine bending over won't result in a sharp needle being shoved into your buttocks (what happens in the showers, however, is anyone's guess).

"We are the gayest people in this church!"
The aforementioned aerobics room was actually a church converted (wink) into a multipurpose room (eat, sweat, and ... well, whatever happens in the shower)

"Oh my god Norah!"
As Dr. Paul and I were practically the only two gay men in a room of complete WASPs, we felt it our duty to gasp and clasp hands like 12-year-old teenie-boppers at an NSYNC concert and scream.

"That is what you use alpaca fibers for - feel it bitch, feel it! That's what alpaca's for!!!!"
An exuberant Dr. Paul was insistent that I feel his scarf made of alpaca fibers. Immediately after, he took me to his backyard where his neighbors keep their alpacas. It was like giving me a beautiful emerald necklace and then showing me the dead grandmother's body where he had ripped the jewelry from. Nice.

"Are you saying we have gay alpaca?"
Perhaps it is in their nature, or the contagious gaiety about me, but upon notice that they had visitors to the backyard the alpacas began sniffing and moving in slightly erogenous ways.

Deaf child area
After seeing this sign on the road I kept my eyes peeled for a gathering of deaf children. It seemed, however, that the herd (wink) had moved on...

My to do list: learn Chinese, testicular exam
After consultation with Dr. Paul it was very clear to me that there were two things on my extensive and ever-growing to-do list that needed to be completed before the end of the weekend. Learning Chinese was a breeze, but that testicular exam proved to be long and hard.

Blueberry pancakes and my new wife....
It is rare that I would promise my affections to the opposite sex. The blueberry pancakes of a local diner, however, had me in a matrimonial tizzy on Saturday morning. I could live out the rest of my sex life depending on alcohol and a face-mask of Brad Pitt, right?

"I'm gonna get loads and loads of juicy bloody cootch"
By far the most outrageous quote of the weekend, in vulgarity and in just plain ewww-ness, Dr. Paul comments on his next rotation in his residency. Sadly, this would also be the fate that befalls me should I accept the offer of free blueberry pancakes for life. But I got the better end (wink) of this deal; at least I can practice medicine in the dark.

What the f*#%???

-Passing a group of tourists who were on a paid professional tour … and admiring the features of a parking lot.

-Two signs: the first, “Traffic calming area”, followed quickly by “Humps”. What’s so calming about that?!?

-A deranged man on the Q2 bus, who chuckled at invisible objects for about 30 minutes and then abruptly turned to me to ask, “Are you Jewish?”

-A man in the Greyhound bus station doing unnecessarily loud yoga in the middle of the waiting area (pants, moans, and other uncomfortable noises that you would rather hear in a porno, and not while sitting next to a scary homeless man picking his feet)

-Wondering what “folate” is, and why there is 30% of it in an orange juice bottle.

-A man on the Metro carrying a sign and swinging it in a hypnotic fashion, reading “The Vatican hides pedophiles”.

-Quote from a Wheat Thins box: “try this delicious, entertaining recipe with your family and friends … refried red beans with tomato and poblano”. I suppose the aftermath of this recipe would be entertaining to some families, like that of the Nutty Professor.

-Seeing “valet parking” at a hospital

-Driving past the Happy Tails dog spa … what?

-Passing a group of young blondes on the street, when one of them comments, “Oh my god! I don’t even know what a good IQ is!!!”

All breads are not created Così (the same)

*DING*

And the pressing duel between the oven-baked delights of the chain
restaurant conglomerates begins!

In one corner we have the tried-and-true baguette from Au Bon Pain(which, as the name suggests, should at least be "good"). In the othercorner is the multigrain flatbread by sandwich extraordinaire Cosi (Italians pronounce it /koh-ZEE/).

Strangely, the bread from Au Bon Pain sets up an unexpected cognatebetween "Pain" in the company name (French) and "pain" (American Englishfor "ouch" or "watching Keanu Reeves act") in the process of consumingthis seemingly innocent baguette. "Faux amis", indeed.

The manner in which one must eat a baguette from ABP is analogous toripping the uncooked chicken meat off of a thigh bone that's been leftin the freezer. You clamp down with all your might, squeezing andwiggling your dainty baguette until the seemingly welded pieces of flourfinally cave and send your head in a backward thrust that resembles thetrauma of whiplash victims (there is rumor that the CEO of ABP sits on the board of the American Chiropractor Association).

Così offers a non-violent approach to bread-consumption: soft, chewy,and wholesome goodness that massages your taste buds with every bite.

Perhaps the breads are symbolic of their native peoples: the Italianflatbread (pleasant, palatable, and memorable), and the French baguette (stale, rough, and painful).

Incidentally, while in France in 2005 I met a random guy who took me ona romantic stroll of the city. Towards the end of our Tour de Nowheresville (and after some kissing of the French sort), we came across a discarded baguette in the street. Frenchy-boy stomped feverishly on it and yelled "This.... this is the.... the SHIT of France!!!"

Merde!!! Even the French don't like their bread.