Another week of weird

Every morning I pour myself a cup of crazy; it's the only real way to start your day. At least if you feel slightly psychotic when you leave the house, the following random happenings and snippets of American culture don't seem as strikingly freakish or appalling:


-Grocery store ad: "Turkey butt -- 2.39 a pound". Now, since I am quite up-to-date on my slang, I am privy to the knowledge that in the world of colloquialisms "turkey butt" also means a wedgie, a.k.a. a camel toe from behind (but hopefully less moist ... wait, is a turkey ass moist?). According to this grocery store, wedgies cost approximately $2.39 per pound. But seriously, if your wedgie is large enough to be measured by the pound, then your ass is doing the gobbling- not the turkey.

In actuality turkey butt in the culinary sense refers to the fatty part of the bird that sticks out from its ass, and is also called the Pope's Nose, the Parson's Nose, or the Sultan's Nose (brown nosers, if you ask me).


-"I accept boobs in the face..."- random quote from a party: yeah, I don't remember why but for some reason after a few swigs of vodka the love pillows in the act of suffocation was deliriously hilarious. There was no mention of splinters from the twig and berries, but boobs are just funner to tease.


-Bear Bottoms Diaper Changing Station: to those not familiar with the gay community, be fortunate that this does not immediately bring to mind the damp and musty bottom (wink) of some geriatric fat queen that either cannot control his bowel movements or is into a fetish that I would rather not comment on. Regardless, posting such an obscene display (that comes complete with a table and straps) in the "family bathroom" is insulting as it only targets one narrow sub-culture of the cruising bathroom world (however, the tables are kept quite far off the ground for all of those really long-legged Idahoans). Haha ... I da ho? No, you da ho, Senator ... you da ho.


-A trash can in the Wal-Mart bathroom that had a sign taped to its front which read: "Out of order". Although this same sign is often seen in my imagination floating ominously around the heads of many Wal-Mart patrons, I found it hard to believe that a container designed to carry objects and with no electrical or mechanical components could actually be "out of order". Are they going to fix the trash can? How long will it take to order the parts? And who the hell purposefully puts garbage IN the receptacle of a Wal-Mart bathroom anyway?


-A religious sign outside of a church that said "God has not forgot". Indeed, that may be true, but he has clearly forgotten his English grammar and correct use of the past participle. Perhaps Moses would have gotten further with Egypt if he had simply said "Let my people went!"


-A dump truck that had the following self-advert on its side: "Our landfills provide 17,000 acres of wildlife habitat". It's an oxymoron - wildlife landfill. I'm sure the deer don't appreciate prancing over broken toilets and garbage bags spewing open with bear bottom diapers. Why don't they do the animals a favor during the winter and just burn an entire forest to keep them warm?


-The "Friends Free Library" in Germantown. It made me feel very sad to think that every single person inside that library did not have any friends.