Don't touch me there!!! ... Touch me here!

A few months ago I attended a birthday celebration extravaganza at a rollerskating rink where most of the people were black (aside from me, there was only one other white guy- he was very old, skated alone, and may have been entirely insane).

After taking to the rink and forgetting that my ankles are actually made of jelly, I took a breather on the side to enviously watch little 9-year-old shits who acted like they had skated out of their mothers' wombs (I did the Slip 'n Slide method, old school).

Now ... I am quite used to being around straight people and seeing couples engage in slightly disturbing behaviors such as hugging, hand holding, and kissing (the older I get the more puzzled I become at how straight people are attracted to another human being whose anatomy is so entirely different ... how are you supposed to know what to do with that thing?!? Very odd, I must say).

What is not often observed, particularly outside of Dupont Circle and Minnesotan airports, is the PDA of gay couples. There are few places where you can get away with it- New York, San Francisco, DC - and only in certain sections of town. Wait ... I take all that back. In the world of sports you can hug, embrace, ass slap-- lord, anything short of actual penetration -- and that's acceptable. Anyway, non-athletic displays of affection are rarely tolerated.

So imagine my surprise when I see two guys skating around the rink holding hands! (obviously they forgot that we were in Virginia) My jaw dropped, and I violently shook my head back-and-forth in a very cartoon-like manner ... oh my heck, there are 2 guys holding hands and they have not yet been lynched by the breeder mob!

But wait a minute ... there goes another pair of guys holding hands! Oh my sweet lord in heaven, there's another! What is going on here? Why are all the gay boys congregating at this rink? Did Sarah Jessica Parker promise to swing by or something?

Apparently in black rollerskating culture it is perfectly acceptable for grown men to hold hands to aid them in performing skating "tricks" across the rink. I saw a number of male and female pairs spinning around the rink uninhibited by their casual retaliation against society's rigid roles and definitions of appropriate same-sex behaviors. Suddenly the rink became very peaceful, and this sense of community and friendship gently embraced the rink like a child squeezing a stuffed teddy bear.

I must say, I have never seen anything like that. And I think it's absolutely brilliant.

Another week of weird

Every morning I pour myself a cup of crazy; it's the only real way to start your day. At least if you feel slightly psychotic when you leave the house, the following random happenings and snippets of American culture don't seem as strikingly freakish or appalling:


-Grocery store ad: "Turkey butt -- 2.39 a pound". Now, since I am quite up-to-date on my slang, I am privy to the knowledge that in the world of colloquialisms "turkey butt" also means a wedgie, a.k.a. a camel toe from behind (but hopefully less moist ... wait, is a turkey ass moist?). According to this grocery store, wedgies cost approximately $2.39 per pound. But seriously, if your wedgie is large enough to be measured by the pound, then your ass is doing the gobbling- not the turkey.

In actuality turkey butt in the culinary sense refers to the fatty part of the bird that sticks out from its ass, and is also called the Pope's Nose, the Parson's Nose, or the Sultan's Nose (brown nosers, if you ask me).


-"I accept boobs in the face..."- random quote from a party: yeah, I don't remember why but for some reason after a few swigs of vodka the love pillows in the act of suffocation was deliriously hilarious. There was no mention of splinters from the twig and berries, but boobs are just funner to tease.


-Bear Bottoms Diaper Changing Station: to those not familiar with the gay community, be fortunate that this does not immediately bring to mind the damp and musty bottom (wink) of some geriatric fat queen that either cannot control his bowel movements or is into a fetish that I would rather not comment on. Regardless, posting such an obscene display (that comes complete with a table and straps) in the "family bathroom" is insulting as it only targets one narrow sub-culture of the cruising bathroom world (however, the tables are kept quite far off the ground for all of those really long-legged Idahoans). Haha ... I da ho? No, you da ho, Senator ... you da ho.


-A trash can in the Wal-Mart bathroom that had a sign taped to its front which read: "Out of order". Although this same sign is often seen in my imagination floating ominously around the heads of many Wal-Mart patrons, I found it hard to believe that a container designed to carry objects and with no electrical or mechanical components could actually be "out of order". Are they going to fix the trash can? How long will it take to order the parts? And who the hell purposefully puts garbage IN the receptacle of a Wal-Mart bathroom anyway?


-A religious sign outside of a church that said "God has not forgot". Indeed, that may be true, but he has clearly forgotten his English grammar and correct use of the past participle. Perhaps Moses would have gotten further with Egypt if he had simply said "Let my people went!"


-A dump truck that had the following self-advert on its side: "Our landfills provide 17,000 acres of wildlife habitat". It's an oxymoron - wildlife landfill. I'm sure the deer don't appreciate prancing over broken toilets and garbage bags spewing open with bear bottom diapers. Why don't they do the animals a favor during the winter and just burn an entire forest to keep them warm?


-The "Friends Free Library" in Germantown. It made me feel very sad to think that every single person inside that library did not have any friends.

Freakishly interesting websites

http://www.urbandictionary.com/
Sup, yo? What's good? What it is? I'm straight (whaaaaaaaat?), dude. Peep this while I freak this, yadadamean?


http://locker-room.com/fl/vanilla/?nats=MTAwMDU1ODo1OjE,1,0,0,0
WARNING !!! Do not open unless you are ready for a laugh, but for god's sake keep the children (or your partner) away from the screen. 3 simple steps: choose orifice, choose sensation, choose color (it's like shopping for any regular purchase, only this time you have the chance to give something back)


http://www.nationalpeanutboard.org/
Just in case you aren't sick of nuts from the previous website, here's an opportunity to indulge yourself in yet another salty substance. You can even click on the cartoon peanut "Buddy MeNutty" (why does that sound like something a Catholic priest would say?)


http://www.clubdeibrutti.com/index.html
The World Association of Ugly Persons. Come again? (I can't after those last two sites!) Sigh, leave it up to the Italians to create a club that goes against everything Italians treasure: beauty, beauty, and scantily-clad women in sparkly outfits. This organization fights the tidal wave of ugliness-discrimination (hey talk to Darwin about that one), and despite the bizarre name it actually sounds like a decent group that's fighting for a good cause! Website's in Italian, however :-( But check out their gift shop for boxers ("bello sotto", loosely translated as "handsome down under", and T-shirts designed to seduce).


http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
Shocking, stupefying, and downright unbelievable! (what is, Michael Jackson producing offspring?) Check out some dirty laundry being anonymously aired (not MJ's), and some truly heartbreaking confessions.


http://www.galenfrysinger.com/quaker_steak.htm
This restaurant is named "Quaker Steak and Lube". Um ... um ... *sigh*. Where to begin? Well, at least there is a drive-thru for those who like to get in and get out. And get in and get out. And get in and get out.


http://www.yodcards.com/
Custom printed playing cards, initially founded by a teenager entrepreneur. Slogan? "With us, you're on deck". Sounds like an ace in the hole (ooh, spades are rather sharp).


http://www.daretowearwhite.com/
Dare to wear white? What, before or after Labor Day? Ooooh, this website is for the ladies, or those having difficulty controlling their bowels. Hoping to take the tampon out of taboo ... wait, I got that messed up, sorry - take the taboo out of menstruation, this website hopes to unite women by sharing stories of how they bleed for 3 days but still don't die (stolen from South Park, but I had to say it).


http://www.threadless.com/
Original T-shirt designs, or submit your own! You can even have it imprinted on white, should you be so daring!


http://www.cleanbutt.com/
Quite different from http://www.wipeyourassproperly.com/, this website gives us a unique look into the world of the bidet. Check out the links under "Resources", including: streaming video (um, if I wanted to see that kind of video I'd go to Xtube, thank you very much), and Quality and Safety Assurances (we've all seen what fire hoses can do to solid structures, and I for one am very delicate back there...). Slogan? "A Happy Butt is a Clean Butt". Hmm... can anyone think of another word for "happy"? Ergo, the slogan (hopefully) remains true.

Random thoughts

The following is a collection of random thoughts and questions I accumulated over the summer. I need to find something better to do with my time, like take up bass fishing or learn how to do pottery like in Ghost.



-Does the National Institute for the Blind in Baltimore care about its building's architectural design? Was the architect blind? Are there statues of 3 mice on the front lawn?

-Why is a firetruck considered a hazmat? Is water hazardous? Or are the men inside the truck "dangerous"? *Sweating*, 4-alarm fire, someone put me out with their hose ...

-Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburgers (the donuts are the bread); an unnatural combination of foods that were never intended to be united as one (quite like pickles and ice cream, pineapple and pizza, and Richard Simmons with a woman).

-Digestive disease week, May 19-24. Examples: (1) cyclic vomiting syndrome (woah ... is that like when dogs eat grass, puke it up, and then eat it again?), (2) intestinal obstruction (when this happens repeatedly over the course of a few minutes, the anecdote is keeping your clothes on), and (3) Whipple's disease (what a cute name for a baby!).

-What do they do if you're so overweight that you can't fit through the frame of a metal detector anymore? Is that why they keep a can of Crisco at every checkpoint in Washington DC?

-Why is that tourist woman taking a picture of her husband when all he's doing is drinking from a water fountain?


-Why did they change the name of "Uh-Oh Oreo" cookies back to "Golden Oreos" and then label packages with either chocolate-filled or vanilla-filled? Maybe people thought the Uh-Oh Cookies were actual mistakes of the Nabisco factory?

-When you're in a locked one-person public bathroom and someone knocks on the door, what are you supposed to say? "You're just gonna have to hold it buddy!" or "I hope you brought something to read cuz this might take me a while!". Or perhaps "One word there for ya mister ... Lysol. LY-SOL!"

-Why does Caribou Coffee have pictures of outhouses in their bathroom? Do people put pictures of Porta Potties in their outhouses? Do people put pictures of a hole in the ground in their Porta Potties? What do they put in Porta Potties? (certainly not an air freshener)

-Why is the company that provides fuel to the Greyhound busses named "Gas Boy"? I thought I had already claimed this title ... I smell copyright infringment, and it stinks.

Week 1, Philthydelphia

Ok OK Okay OKAY it's not really that stinky - except for that elusive smell that comes from my one empty kitchen cabinet (and only on Mondays ... weird). When I asked my housemate to explain, the only logical explanation was that we are in Philadelphia, and everything in the City of Brotherly Love smells like ass (you can take a minute to think about that one ...)

I live 2 miles from the Pennsylvania School for the Deaf, so as an eager environmentalist (or just a cheap bastard? well even money is green...) I have decided to shun the 23 bus (the equivalent of the X2 in DC - yeah mmhmm where's my mace for the crazies?) and stroll my fanny down Georgetown Avenue. Being the only white guy within a 3-4 mile radius, I am certain to draw attention. Even the sweet and lovely Gina of the neighborhood diner asked "Um... why are you here?" :-)

But this 4-mile per day hike gives me an opportunity to reflect and ponder the meaning of life, as well as take note of the following:

-Germantown Avenue has the sort of faded-glory look of an old colonial village that regrettably met a 20th century building boom. Unused trolley car rails run the entire length of the street and are cushioned from the curb by cobblestone. Shops that were certainly elegant in their time are now just a shadow of their former grandeur- you have to wonder why so many were abandoned.

-A bow maker shop. I ... lord, I don't even know what to say. The shop oddly reminds me of Ollivander's wand shop in Harry Potter. But I have to wonder- there's enough bow-making business in the world to support a family's bread and butter? How many people in Philadelphia play a string instrument? How do horses feel about losing all their hair, and then being killed for glue?!? Well, it's a sticky subject ...

-A street named Slocum. Give it a minute, it'll come to you eventually.

-A store named "The Candy Shop" but which does not sell candy, only hair care products and extensions (sweet! ... um... never mind).

-A parking lot sign where the view of "Park-" is obscured, leaving only "-king in Rear" (random trivia fact: King Edmund the Second died in 1016 with he was stabbed from behind).

-A lot of Muslim women dressed in full-length black robes with their heads covered. One day I saw one cruising along with a large pair of headphones on and jamming to some tunes (the scarf veils and screens the women's head, the Bose headphones screen out background noise - both aim for purity).

-Eminent death: Philly drivers are obnoxiously inconsiderate, or perhaps everyone in the city has simply gone blind (probably from the smell, no doubt). Almost every morning I have to keep my wits about me to avoid being pummeled to death as I cross the streets (the white man on the crossing sign LIES!)

-A man walking 10 paces ahead of me repeatedly turned around and pointed directly at me without saying a word. He would then swing back around and continue on his merry way. This went on for 10 minutes before he stopped completely and hurriedly ushered me past.

-A package in the window of a shop that reads "Moist and Meaty #1 Burger!", in which directly below the statement there is a picture of a dog.

Haiku mania (575!)

As always, a weekend in the company of Matt and Paul brings about a trip to Remington's to shake and shimmy it a bit, multiple restaurant visits with large portions of dessert, and a modest amount of alcohol. This trip was markedly special because of the latest trend in haiku-making, inspired by Matt's original haiku creation that for some reason involved excrement located inconveniently in the corner. I wish I could explain it further, the laws of sanity complicate things a bit.

Matt's original haiku
I wrote a haiku
And it was started like this:
Poop in the corner


Sleep-deprived haiku
Three hours of sweet sleep
Translating god's words for you
Damn you homo-fries !!!
(Composed in remembrance of a 4:00a.m. trip to get hobo-fries ((a.k.a. disco-fries)), which resulted in a pun by changing the word "hobo" to "homo" due to it's striking similarity in texture and color to male homosexual behavior -- the debauchery that ensued at the 24-hour diner resulted in me only getting an inexcusable 3 hours of beauty rest before standing by the altar of the Spirit at All Soul's to interpret the following morning)


Falcor haiku
Falcor was a dog
Well he was a dragon dog
Maybe just my dog
(for a full understanding of the hilarity that it so caused by a small dog named Falcor, please visit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pC3n-LC3Em4 )


Random carnivorous haiku
Can I have your meat?
Your bacon for a dollar
Take it up the front
(On a previous trip to the 24-hour diner a drunk frat boy ((redundant?)) stopped at our table to inquire about Matt's meat, a.k.a. his bacon, and attempted ((successfully)) to purchase the strips. Later, when presented with the bill, our waiter instructed us to "take it up the front". Naturally, everyone at the table was quite puzzled as we had always taken it up the ... ok you get the idea)


Erectile dysfunction haiku
Penis malfunction
Modern science has the cure:
Mycoxaphlopin
(A clever play on words by Dr. Paul on an imaginary medicine to relieve the most grievous of maladies that infects the male population)


Menstruating haiku
Christie and her box
Birthing hips unfulfilled
It weeps tears of blood
(At the diner a certain eruption occurred due to a waiter's failure to bring a take-away box with the meal, and instead bringing Christie's entire meal in 2 separate take-away boxes without a plate. Christie, while experiencing a flux in hormones and neurotransmitters that induce calmness, was less than pleased)


Here's my haiku blog
I hope you found it funny
If not then f#&@ you!

A Weekend with Dr. Paul

Random quotes/tid-bits from a fun-filled weekend with Dr. Paul last March:

"How would you feel a lump in that?"
Referring to ... oh god only knows what. Either a banana or a melon, but it involved fruit in some capacity!

High school Latin Club scavenger hunt
Certainly a way to carpe diem- Paul used to be a member of the Latin Club, "Latin" being short for "Less Awkward Than Introverted Nerds" (or are they?) that led earnest scavenger hunts throughout the city in search of clues, declensions, and a reason to wake up the following morning.

Aerobics room
While attending a fancy-schmancy reception for the hospital, one couldn't help but notice that the area/room used for dining was marked in one exterior hallway as the aerobics room. This is the one area of the hospital where I imagine bending over won't result in a sharp needle being shoved into your buttocks (what happens in the showers, however, is anyone's guess).

"We are the gayest people in this church!"
The aforementioned aerobics room was actually a church converted (wink) into a multipurpose room (eat, sweat, and ... well, whatever happens in the shower)

"Oh my god Norah!"
As Dr. Paul and I were practically the only two gay men in a room of complete WASPs, we felt it our duty to gasp and clasp hands like 12-year-old teenie-boppers at an NSYNC concert and scream.

"That is what you use alpaca fibers for - feel it bitch, feel it! That's what alpaca's for!!!!"
An exuberant Dr. Paul was insistent that I feel his scarf made of alpaca fibers. Immediately after, he took me to his backyard where his neighbors keep their alpacas. It was like giving me a beautiful emerald necklace and then showing me the dead grandmother's body where he had ripped the jewelry from. Nice.

"Are you saying we have gay alpaca?"
Perhaps it is in their nature, or the contagious gaiety about me, but upon notice that they had visitors to the backyard the alpacas began sniffing and moving in slightly erogenous ways.

Deaf child area
After seeing this sign on the road I kept my eyes peeled for a gathering of deaf children. It seemed, however, that the herd (wink) had moved on...

My to do list: learn Chinese, testicular exam
After consultation with Dr. Paul it was very clear to me that there were two things on my extensive and ever-growing to-do list that needed to be completed before the end of the weekend. Learning Chinese was a breeze, but that testicular exam proved to be long and hard.

Blueberry pancakes and my new wife....
It is rare that I would promise my affections to the opposite sex. The blueberry pancakes of a local diner, however, had me in a matrimonial tizzy on Saturday morning. I could live out the rest of my sex life depending on alcohol and a face-mask of Brad Pitt, right?

"I'm gonna get loads and loads of juicy bloody cootch"
By far the most outrageous quote of the weekend, in vulgarity and in just plain ewww-ness, Dr. Paul comments on his next rotation in his residency. Sadly, this would also be the fate that befalls me should I accept the offer of free blueberry pancakes for life. But I got the better end (wink) of this deal; at least I can practice medicine in the dark.