Balding

Hair hair hair. We are a nation obsessed with the hair. Moreover, we are obsessed with losing it in places we want, and gaining it in places we don’t want (for example, ear lobe hair-- seriously, the old men in Italy look like they had Princess Leia Chia Pets on their ears or something).

Our national symbol is the bald eagle (although “bald” comes from the old English “balde”, which means white – so what happens if I’m white and bald? I'm a baldie balde?). There are products galore that promise to turn any patch of empty skin into a rich prairie of hair-fibers, blossoming unrestrained like a savannah. We want that thick mane of shampooed-goodness so badly we'd pull a Van Gogh just to keep our heads covered.

As hairy as this situation may be, there are organizations out there in the world committed to bring an end to our fervent fascination with the fluff stuff. BALD R US, whose website (http://www.baldrus.com/) is headlined by an American flag complete with beaked eagle, provides a wealth of information for those seeking solace for their scalp. There are T-shirts, bumper stickers ("Bald men don't need viagra", "I'm too sexy for my hair"), transplant terror stories, hairpiece horror stories ... the list goes on and on like Rapunzel on Rogaine.

There's even empirical evidence that proves bald is better- the website says "The facts don't lie: Survey proves that bald men are the best dressed and most romantic." Do whaaaaat? Oh and wait! Tips on how to shine or de-shine my cue ball head (is that why we have ear wax?)! Well, the "naked noggin" certainly does have quite an impact on modern society. BALD R US has even partnered with E-Harmony to get "Bald" listed as one of the search criteria for matching partners! (*enters short, stocky, slow-witted bald man into search engine* -- oh wait I can't cuz I'm gay)

Oh but wait- there's more! Even the Divine Powers that Be weigh in on this furry matter. Perhaps god is bald as well, and on the 8th day he got plugs and stopped the comb-over.

2 Kings 2:23-24: "From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" [24] He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths."

Holy shit!!! The LORD gets testy when hair falls prey to insult and badgering (is it really a burning bush, or does god just have fiery red hair?). But I know I'm safe-- the last time I ran into two bears in the woods they were actually quite friendly to me- in fact, they weren't interested in the hair on my head at all !!!