Why my bank can kiss it

"Welcome to Peoples First Community Bank of Florida, where we always put the customer first ... that is, of course, unless you actually want to DO something with your accounts. In that case, please stay on the line and we will send someone over right away to bend you over and force you to take it brokeback-mountain-style but without the spit. Thank you."

It isn't far from the truth. Peoples First has officially been bumped to the top of my "To Be Eliminated" list, just behind left-standers on the Metro and Splenda-made cookies.

I called PFCBoF today to inquire how I might go about closing my checking and savings accounts with them. After I had personally offended the customer service representative by choosing to close an account -- something apparently as rude as selling her first born child to hungry gypsies -- I had to explain my rationale.

"Well, I no longer live in Florida. And your interest rates aren't very competitive. And the online banking security is a real nightmare and not very user-friendly."

I spent the next half-hour consoling the poor woman as if we had just ended an engagement the night before the wedding. But as we all know, hell hath no fury like a customer service representative woman's scorn ...

"Well, sir, you have to come in in person to verify your identity to close any account. But since you live in DC, when you close the account we'll have to send you your money by mail. Is your address current with Peoples First?"

"No it isn't. I moved to DC"

"Ah, well in that case you'll have to mail in a notarized form with your social security number on it verifying your identity before your mailing address can be changed."

"Can't I change my mailing address online?"

"No, you silly ass. That would be efficient customer service, and at Peoples First we believe that the customer should always suffer, you insolent bitch."

"I see. Well, your online security is very strict (and antiquated), so I'm surprised that Peoples First would ask its customers to send a paper form through the mail which has their social security number printed clearly on it. That doesn't seem very secure."

"Well that's what you get for breaking my heart, you hateful monster. MONSTER!!!" *click*

Immediately after, I entered an incorrect password on their online system and was permanently locked out of my account until I called customer service to reinstate it. *slowly bends over again and winces*

"Please hold, I'll transfer you to the next representative. Yes, I'm speaking in a very cheerful computer voice. That's because I take an unprecedented amount of SSRIs before drinking hard liquor every morning, and I am tickled pink with the satisfaction that you'll be sore every time you sit down today and that you'll be walking somewhat bowlegged. Please hold."

And then I got a voice mail message. A voice mail? A FRIGGIN' VOICE MAIL IN CUSTOMER SERVICE?!?

So to ensure that I always remember my password and avoid future lock-outs from Peoples First, for my password I have selected a string of expletives that accurately describes this financial institution.

However, just to be on the safe side, I'll avoid the use of the word "asshole" in any future interaction with Peoples First *reaches for soothing ointment*