The DC Metro

DC is blessed to have a gorgeous underground Metro system; it's clean, it's (relatively) reliable, and it gets you places you could probably reach in 30 minutes by foot if you weren't so damned lazy.

There are some people who think that the Metro is like an amusement park ride. These individuals believe that the Metro is fun and entertaining, and they hoot and holler around every bend, bump, and shuffle along the way (Look ma! No hands! Weeeeeeeeee!!!).

They are usually tourists, who in their spending-$$$-away mentality have trouble decoding the tricky colors of the red, green, blue, yellow, and orange lines, and who make a habit of congregating and blocking the exits of the metro cars like a herd of zebras evading a lion.

What's particularly frustrating about these thrill-seeking tourists is their shock and amazement when the train starts up to pull out of the station. They act like 4th graders watching the monkeys get it on at the zoo ("Woah!!! That is like totally cool!!!").

I have seen full-grown adults squeal like banshees when they witness physics in action for the first time (apparently). The slight force exerted on a passenger when the train begins its departure does not justify the "WOOOOOOAAAAAHHH" that some tourists feel is the only appropriate way to relay their experience of physical euphoria.

It is obnoxious and unnecessary.

There are also those tourist passengers that are not aware of their immediate environment while onboard the Metro. You'll often see them standing there at the doors ready to exit, facing a concrete wall just beyond the window. They seem puzzled that the doors are not opening on their side so that they can run smack into a slab of cement (psst!!! Exit's on the other side!!!).

I have decided that these tourists must learn a lesson about public transport, abominable behavior in public, and the general laws of physics. I plan to lube down the handgrips of all the Metro cars on the red line with Vaseline. The only possible negative outcome of my plot would be trips to the emergency room that are probably not included in their tour package.

Well, at least they can WOOOOAAAAH all they like in the back of the jerky ambulance.