Big, fabulous, and black

"It's a man's world, but for gay men, it would be nothing without a big, fabulous black woman" -- The Advocate, April issue

Nothing could be more true than this quote; indeed, a big, fabulous black woman is unparalleled by any other delight in this mad mad world (save chocolate chip cookies and peanut butter ... which may solely be responsible for the big woman in the first place).

A few weeks ago I had the divine pleasure of seeing Rent on stage at the Warner Theatre. One of the cast members was just so: a big, fabulous black woman who had seen her fair share of peanut butter and other things tasty besides. She had that booming, boisterous voice to match her smooth and sexy shuffle across the stage. Oh yes, she was totally hot.

Fate smiled upon me that evening; I was invited to the cast party at a nearby restaurant and bar immediately following the show. And there she was in all her extravagant glory, chomping down on calamari and hoovering down the cheese dip (oh, to be the cracker that gets to be near those lips ... get it???) But what to say? What to do? Where to hide in all of my gay-but-still-diggin-the-chick shame?

Luckily, Jonathan enjoys torturing me and took it upon himself to destroy any shred of dignity I have remaining (which isn't much now after that nude sleepwalking catastrophe last spring). He marched squarely up to my shapely goddess, introduced himself, and proceeded to inform her of my unrequited love for her, the opposite sex, ironic as that may be.

I was mortified.

And then it happened. In a moment of bewildering flattery and charmed appreciation for the magic she in fact knew could bewitch the very foundations of my solely-male desires, my hot-mama-twinkie swished her way towards me and engulfed me in her cushiony wonder.

Quote of the evening from this talented and refined lady of culture and class: "This bitch must eat !!!"

Soooo hot, I can't even tell you.