Cracker Barrel

There are two ways to get a southern boy's heart racing: one, tell him that Billy Bob has just bought a new mud-slinging truck to race around after cow-tipping has lost its appeal, and two, spotting the yellow and brown sign of the Cracker Barrel coming into view on the interstate.

When I say "Cracker Barrel", what typically comes to mind? Good southern cooking, aproned waiters and waitresses that can't wait to slop up a healthy serving of grease-fried lard, and of course, the fluffy biscuits served with the country straight-to-your-thighs gravy.

Accurate? Well, yes, in the golden age of the Cracker Barrel dynasty. Now, I am afraid to report, the legacy of this once great giant of the diabetes-inducing American chain restaurant industry has begun to lose its flourish, its fancy, and its general appeal.

Cracker Barrel has a new rule: the star-aproned waiters/waitresses are not allowed to bring out the plentiful buttery biscuit delights unless requested by the customer. My flittering fairy-boy server (probably the only gay in the village, poor lad) reported this shocking news to me (I'm sure in order to save his tip ... how else are the customers supposed to know that it's CB being cheap, not the laziness of the server?).

Moreover: the green beans were canned, the mashed potatoes were instant, and dammit- those biscuits were just not buttery enough !!!

The only positive news I have received about CB is that it has just recently added sexual orientation to its discrimination clause for employees, preventing those in Georgia and Alabama from ousting those damned queers (*sign of relief from my waiter boy*) and terminating them without due cause (WHAT?!? Being gay isnt reason enough? But just think of Sodom and Gomorrah!).

Makes you wonder where we'll be 50 from now? Gays might have equal rights, but the biscuits will totally suck.