Bother of the bride

Why do brides always stand on the left in wedding ceremonies?

According to a reputable source, brides in Medieval times were often stolen from neighboring cities (gentlemen, I have an alternative strategy for what happens when there aren't enough ladies in town ... what are you doing tonight???).

Therefore, the groom (or one of his 6 brothers, sobbin' sobbin') had to always be on the lookout for some angry father on a rampage because he didn't get a dowry. By having his blushing (or bleeding) bride on his left side, the groom had his right hand available to extract his sword should he need to ward off any person attempting to slit his thieving throat.

I can't imagine a time when women were in such short supply. Now women are everywhere: on buses, in public parks, and even in the bathrooms at Omega.

The only comparable situation I can think of in modern times is the extreme shortage of straight men in the District. Therefore, straight boys of DC be forewarned!!! Should a woman approach you, pretending she's interested in football and the revolting way you keep your toenails, be on the alert!!! The only reason most girls even enter sports bars is because of the low lighting, you know.

Although I don't suppose it would be that incredibly difficult to kidnap a straight man. Simply wave a soft, rotund piece of exposed flesh in front of his eyes and there'll be enough drool to take on the Hoover Dam. Second, entice him with chili-cheese dogs and the promise of a beer gut before he turns 30 and trust me, the straight boys will come a-runnin'. Throw in your tolerance of his bad manners and really poor taste in clothes, and that straight boy will be all over you like white on rice.

But while racing to the altar, girls, make sure to have the groom on your left with his right hand occupied. Should he resist the vows and attempt to fight, we all know that a boy's left hand is weaker ... perhaps from too much time extracting that damned sword.